well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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