apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
