i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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