I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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