there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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