I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
