The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
