dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
