I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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