did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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