Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
