apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
