On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
