There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
