He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
