So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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