I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
