I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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