Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
