Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
