hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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