I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
