in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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