i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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