I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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