Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
