saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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