1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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