This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
