just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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