I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
