the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
