when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
