Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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