Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
