I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
