my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
