i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
we should paint friendship bongs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
