the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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