the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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