I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
