dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
