So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
