i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
