We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
