Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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