It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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