Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
