I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
