A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
